With a stroke of mighty luck, while typing in the most-typed word on my computer, I erred. To err is human and to forgive divine and thinking of the same lines, I forgave myself as easily as I can gobble up a Tuna Sub! But the mystery is already broken, the secret has already leaked. I typed in instead of and like somebody discovered polythene as a laboratory mistake, I too discovered a nondescript writer whose splendid words met my heart with utter delight and I could not but disagree with this savory poem.

"Give money me, take friendship who so list,
For friends are gone come once adversity,
When money yet remaineth safe in chest,
That quickly can thee bring from misery.
Fair faces show friends when riches do abound;
Come time of proof, farewell, they must away;
Believe me well, they are not to be found
If God but send thee once a lowering day.
Gold never starts aside, but in distress,
Finds ways enough to ease thine heaviness."

Barnaby Googe (1540-1594)

And inspiration greeted me with a lovely surprise and yielded this small piece.

"When joys abound and in times green,
they drift along even paths unseen,
And make their way with subtle faces,
And come to inquire how I have been.
As shall arrive the moment of distress,
Then I'm in need of a severe redress,
And those who comfort only at comfort top,
Forsake me so, like a greedy mistress.
Then no gold no money no riches allay,
the pain I bear, of being left this way,
I ask then neither of them nor gold,
I ask of nothing, for all shall betray."

Kaala Kavva (1986 - God Knows)

The Big Bang transpired, the suns broke down, the earth cooled, algae and bacteria mated and humans happened. But the topic of discussion is much more intense and complex that the simple aforementioned lineage. After humans came to be they discovered that they were the possessors of two spherical great camera-like instruments fit right (and left) on their faces and their using these two very complex contraptions they could "see" what was supposed to be seen and what was not.

Keep the fact well with yourself that in the days that I talk of clothes were not much in fashion and humanity roamed in its birthday suit. What was supposed to be seen is not interesting enough to be discussed, hence has been abandoned, but seeing what was not supposed to be seen entailed major consequences. For example the amount of attachment attached to the utility of the contraption grew in exponential proportions, so much so, it came to be known as the person himself, or the "I". (Later as renamed Eye to avoid ambiguity).

Vision was a spectacular sensation only because it could show the homosapiens race what it was not supposed to see. But exercising the spectacular faculties, most people ended up either being extremely excited or developed a great sense of inferiority complex (depending on "what" they saw) and the eye became the bane of mankind for turned men either into rampant hooligans or dismayed outcasts (again depending on "what" they saw).

To remove the eye was an option but now the greedy man got attached to the portion which was not what was not supposed to be seen, in other words, the boring part would do. To remove the eye demanded an infinite deal of effort, time and pain and therefore what came into existence being borne out of the innovation of man was called The Brief.

The brief was what humanity needed - a mask for the mask-worthy, a cover for the lowers, a ban for the man - and the brief was what it got. In its earliest forms, it was known as "Brief of the Leaf" owing to the material it was made of. The brief since then has achieved infinite popularity owing to its novelty and application. But what is popular is desired. There have been various reports of masked phantom-like structures, who were nothing more than giants of greed and egotism, who raided innocent brief clad men (and women) and took away their brief to glory packing them in their rectangular cases later known as briefcases. Due to the non-existence of police and courts at the archaic time I talk of, the poor people who had spent the lives' earnings on acquiring briefs, could do nothing but mourn the loss of the briefs. This state came to be known as "bereafement".

The brief has been endorsed by millions of celebrities in each and every age. But the generation that now consumes alcohol in dinner party (with a few exceptions such as I), this generation of ours, has forgotten all the wonders of the brief. It is worn not as a symbol of integrity, rectitude, and honor but out of compulsion and disagreement. Radical species have always been present amongst us who will forsake the tightening of their pants to honor the existence of the Brief. The brief has been honored by all superhero-creators who to the concealed embarrassment of superheroes will insist on them wearing their briefs outside and show the age of today what significance the common Brief held amongst their ancestors. Thus it is our moral and cultural duty to regard the Brief and wear it openly and maintain our honor.

I feel old. Not in terms of but age in terms of time you wisecrack. Ah by the way, this post shall stink of narcissism and shall not tire describing the most describable personality, that is ofcourse, I. So flee while you can or I shall inextricably intertwine your thought in this muck of emotions and uncanny zeal that I so possess.

Coming back- by feeling old, I mean to say, I feel like I felt three point two four one five one eight approximately years ago. (Writing numerals seems 2 indecent for my blog). The same old indifference, the blithe mindset, the carefree demeanor, the thoughtless expression; all my good friends are back. The dear old feeling of being dispassionate, of believing that friends are for free, knowing life is fair, enjoying pain as deserved, the joy in one's own pain, the ability to let go; all my beloved companions are with me now. Left me due to misunderstandings bottomless, they now have made their way back.

What disturbs me and delights me, eccentrically enough, is my idiosyncratic characteristic of infinite changes of the mind within infinitesimal time. Didn't get that right? You weren't supposed to either. All I'm trying to say is that it takes just a moment, that sudden moment, when that sudden thought arises and my mind drenched completely in one emotion is completely lifted out of it. What thought? I don't know. But all I know is there is such a savior thought always that levitates my pained self out of the agony, and oddly enough, the thought is never, as a rule, spawned by any event. Only after moments of introspection, at a time unheralded, it makes way into me. Before that sudden transition of the mind, I keep grieving and worrying. But after that sudden moment, which comes unannounced, I am the happiest person on earth and that period lasts long until the stones of time and events knock me down again into the seas of depression.

But this very time, I feel the phase has gone for good. How it happened this very time, is another story in itself. It should have been the twenty-fifth of July, year two thousand and seven that I, suffering from causes innumerable, decided to follow the ideals that have always been floating around in my head, acquired by study, discussion(thanks to some people), introspection and the uncommon common sense. Commend my innovation (or condemn my folly) for I wrote them not on paper but on my Orkut's About Me. And each time, I the narcissist viewed my orkut profile, I would read and repeat and understand the simple English statements written by myself and then came the auspicious moment.

And since then I have been balanced, poised and in peace. I live in peace. I care of none and yet I care of all. I am at peace with myself, at peace with boredom, at peace with insults (need some more work although), and at peace with every piece of the this world. See me and realize that I am just the same as I was before, the same attitude, the same air, the same lightheartedness, but a bit wiser. But this is not the end. For the benefit of the ones, like I, whom friends too have given up in their agitation, I commemorated those mightily helpful lines on WikiHow.( Although I haven't yet received hundreds of thousands of I'm-a-die-hard-fan-of-yours and oh-will-you-marry-me-please emails each day, I feel some or the other poor, destitute, forlorn fellow must have benefited by my modest, selfless and altruistic effort. Oh! I'm so modest, I'm proud of myself! (Please appreciate my modesty, won'ts you?)

I speak of the past. Since when millions of clock-hands have been accomplices in the escape of so great a desperado, time, who engenders and devours, without mercy. Of that past, let me now relate with great ardor, the story of a great Princess: The greatest, bravest and the wisest to keep foot on the sole of leather; reverend, charismatic and dynamic Popli.

I speak of the past. When dwelt giants, elves, sorcerers, spirits, monsters and the like, out in the open, to the common knowledge of the dullest race seen by the sun: mankind. And then ruled Popli with all her might, and all her wisdom, and commanded the lands, and the people, and everything except that, and the trees and the heavens and everything except that, that I can't tell in this hurry. She wielded her sword with such passion and fury, everything came to shudder and even lightning couldn't match her glory. And then she did the justice, she was the police and she was jury. Of Popli's descent, this is the story.

Popli had conquered innumerable lands and enough seas fit for a million giants to bathe for millions of years. She, through her valor and her invincible arm, crushed armies as strong as mountains and bought man and beast to her feet. But the vicissitudes of life show one's eyes what no magical eye has ever descried. It was during the war of Tyreelnioutrs that whilst Popli chopped off the head of several thousand giants, for it were the race of the giants she fought against now; it so happened that she incurred a wound on her arm and that very lesion lost her more blood than she could have well imagined, causing her to flee. As a temporary refuge she considered a small cave nearby the battle-ground and went inside to mend her broken flesh.

By the ill-fortune that the heavens had promised her, that happened to be the abode of the grim, vile and unfriendly Hondoleen. Hondoleen was as special as the visitor in his cave, for he was not just a sorcerer but the king of kings of sorcerers whose powers outstripped any creature within three galaxies of his existence. And power breeds evil so Hondoleen's wicked ways were known in the fourteen worlds. He sat in deep meditation but was stirred by some noise and smell of blood. As he lifted his sinister eyelids, light set forth his eyes the greatest Princess to be seen. Why O lowly creature dos't thou chooses't to perturb me with thy disdainful presence in my solitary dwelling, exclaimed Holdoleen with rage at being disturbed. But might one be the greatest sorcerer or deadliest knight on the face of the earth, one had no business of abusing the honor of so great a princess such as Popli. Her bloody sword swished out of her scabbard and her blood boiled with rage as she cry'd, Thou art a fool to talk such to me O base mortal and brandished her sword in front of his sullen face.

Seeing this offensive act Hondoleen got so slighted that he resolved to use his most powerful and complicated sorcery against Popli. O wretched princess, thou prides't thyself with all your atchievements. Now see what thou shalt suffer, bellowed Hondoleen and with the cast of a wicked spell, Popli broke all abetting clock-hands, left all of them behind, and found herself standing in the middle of Ring Road, with her wounded arm, and her sword as sharp as sharp can be, stained with blood of a thousand giants, and a million eyes set on her, and innumerable small crawling creatures without feet but wheels bellowing unpleasant noises and strangely dressed men screaming out of the creatures' heads. Popli was terrified and froze with fear. See the play of fate, she who had been cross with fear since her childhood was seized by pangs of it now for she was completely ignorant of her surroundings.

Hondoleen had been mighty successful. He had sent her to the 21st century where she knew no one and none knew her heroic endeavours. From the time of the innocent giants, she had been thrown into the age of cruel humanity. Put into an asylum for speaking the truth, Popli learned the new ways of the world around her. It indeed took her time to know and understand what had been done to her, but now everything is normal. But her valor needed space to vent.

She changed her name to Peepo for Popli sounded very weird, and lives quietly a fake life of a normal human. But sets out on errants from time to time, secretly, with the help of her sword (and a Magnum FF5i she has acquired) to save the face of the earth from miscreants, ill-doers, giants and other wretched entities. Though no one knows of her virtuous deeds except some deer friends whom she condescends to tell her real story. Some have mocked her but those who can trust her, believe her and her actual story. For none have seen the actual age of magick from where Peepo comes; the mind is unable to digest what it has not perceived. Peepo lives the life of a normal girl, living in normal circumstances, with normal emotions such as fear, dismay and attachment. She acts as a normal college student, in a normal college and performs normally but deep inside her heart still lies smouldering, the actual Popli who shall one day rule the earth by her invincible arm.

Alright! I admit I'm addicted; irreparably addicted. It's actually hopelessly too, but saying that, I guess, would be plagiarism and plagiarism is a tool I seldom use (and that too happens only in practical reports which I no more have to make! Yahu!!) . I'm addicted to alcohol and I've never touched a bottle. And liquor isn't sold in tetra-packs. A coffeetotaler(new version of teetotaler) says this ironical statement. There are truths in truths contained like an onion. The greatest being, of things a many, I feel like a minion. (The baniya at the baniya shop wears dhoti banyan.)

Let me now shed (jhaad as they say in hindi) some philosophy. Animals, they say, are unconscious, below the mundane. There does exist a higher level of consciousness which is much above all unneeded affairs. The unconscious are happy, the fully conscious are in bliss. Man, the one in the middle has all the problems to himself. Hence in an attempt to go beneath their level, humans consume alcohol. I think it stupid.

But how so ever stupid I may think it, I remain a first-degree hypocrite. (May I have a big hand of applause please (for dinner obviously)). Indulging in people is again alcohol. People are alcohol and like alcohol they make you forget your worries, weaknesses and wails. Eating, drinking, laughing, sleeping - the fool has so much to do, so much to indulge himself, so much enjoy and enjoy for ignorance is bliss. That (gobi ka) fool am I. (Applaud! Why do I have to remind you? ).

And I'm so hooked to people and people's talks, I can't rest myself. My prediction is that if I continue on the same path, I shall be led nowhere except nowhere. Bereft of contentment, devoid of joy, senescing, once in peace and tence ruffled, I see myself some years down the line, in the exact state as I am now, taking one step ahead and another back, tiring, exhausting, breaking and reaching right here, nowhere. (Hey no applaud now please, that was mighty serious).

I desire myself, my old self, rather pine for my old self instead of pining for other people and languishing myself. I want to be what I was at a time of yore. I was and I have descended ever since. I want to rise, whatever be the price, potatoes or rice, I want to win the prize. (How stupid that was). I'm a complete forgiver, five giver rather, when it comes to myself. I have forgiven myself for everything and practiced categorical forbearance towards my evil intentions. I pray to get a better self. What else can I do?

Addicted I am. I knew it long time back, so I thought of healing the bloody thing if you'd agree on calling it a disease in the first bloody place. Talking of addictions and stupors, there are many types of them, you know. Opium stupor, did you know, wears off when one takes a cold water bath. So I sat in front of the PC and asked if I wanted to Gtalk. My mind said 'I do', in the same fashion as they say in the Hollywood movie weddings. Have you noticed one thing, by the way, that whenever the bride or the groom answer the priest by saying 'I Do' they don't even bloody look at him. They're so engrossed in themselves, those impatient freaks, they can't pay a handful of respect to the vicar. How do I care ? So I wanted to Gtalk. I went straight to the bathroom, swwwoooosh and steeped myself wet with a shower of chilly cold water! My 38"(last time I measured) chest heaved out of the coldness of the contact and I thought to myself, 'Yes! I've outstripped myself'. But later I realized I'd only stripped myself for the bath and nothing more. I came back (with clothes) and still wanted to Gtalk. Damn everything. This addiction is worse than opium.

Then you have the hangovers and the withdrawal symptoms, and they're horrible. Let me not relate them to you now. What remains the pith, is I don't want any kith, and that people are a myth. (And with addictions, life is shith). Let me now resolve, to rise above all this or at least to want to rise above in the first place. I have decided to be detached, impassionate, unaffected. Oh yeah baby! Bring it on! I'm ready for you, I'm like daddy for you, mark my tone, too heady for you!

Enough being said I shall consider it best to leave the kind reader at this point to wander in his/her imaginations about what state I be in now and later return to his/her work diligently. And even if you don't, how do I care.

Your urges that have unfortunately (for you) caused you to peruse this harmless-looking piece of text shall be the cause of more harm than you would have thought an innocent and harmless-looking piece of text could have in the first place. This elongated paragraph was written partly out of an urge to write and more partly to warn you that the writer or the written takes no responsibility of the consequences that might / might not happen to happen.

As you might have guessed from the topic you are about to meet a sermon and then you might need a surgeon. Okay just kidding, no surgeons required. Getting on with what is most desirable at this instant, let me start by asserting that you take the first step in the world of irritating people when you actually take your first step. Yes. It has been chemically, psychologically, statistically (and all other allies taken) proven that the ability to irritate and annoy is inherent. Remember how you irritated your parents by excreting at your convenience.. Ah! What comfortable days. Well, a clever mind would argue that we still do that at our convenience but clever minds can go to hell. Rejoice, you can, after hearing that you too are intrinsically able to irritate others but the truth is that most people are wonted to such patterns of irritations and hence to step out of the box, you must think out of the box. If you have asked yourself which box after reading the previous line, you are a natural. But in other cases too, development is possible, so there is less need to worry.

The best way to bother someone is by asking questions. Ask ask ask till you bask. Prepare a series of random questions and learn them by heart. Fire them at every friend you see. These questions must range from 'How are you' to 'Why didn't the subspace field harmonically ultra cogentic engines fail while the Apollo 15 took off'. If the person in any way tries to suggest that no Apollo 15 is in existence yet, be sure to ask Why, and keep in store a corresponding Why for every answer the patient of a man/woman has for you. With constant practice you shall be avoided. But there is no time for repose, this is just the beginning.

There are a couple of other methods to chafe people and the best one is to attack the ego. Wait, didn't I say the best was to ask questions? Oh whatever, just read don't ask questions. Attack the ego, I say. Sermonize as much as you can. Tell them always that the best path to take in life is a path of integrity, honesty and virtue. Make sure you yourself are atleast a hundred miles away from that path. Great. Ask people that did they embrace the path of integrity, honesty and virtue or are they still ignoble in their outlook every time you meet them. Make sure this is asked in public. You shall again be avoided.

Once you are avoided, beg for forgiveness. This, I know it is tough, but it is worth it. Beg for forgiveness promising you have changed and act normal for a few days. After these days of silence, start boasting of your integrity, honesty and virtue. Start talking about how embracing the path of integrity, honesty and virtue is the most difficult thing to do. Moreover, keep repeating integrity, honesty and virtue in every aspect and conversation. Kindle an aversion for integrity, honesty and virtue in the other one's heart by repeating about integrity, honesty and virtue atleast a million times a day. When the person cannot listen about integrity, honesty and virtue, chide him/her for talking such about integrity, honesty and virtue. For integrity, honesty and virtue are the basis of integrity, honesty and virtue and without integrity, honesty and virtue what good is a person. It is only integrity, honesty and virtue that differentiate us from the beast, integrity, honesty and virtue that term us human and only integrity, honesty and virtue that are responsible for adding Kind to Man, hence making integrity, honesty and virtue a necessity for ManKind as a hole.

Your friend now has two options. Either to run away from you or to actually imbibe integrity, honesty and virtue. Most sane individuals would choose the former and shun integrity, honesty and virtue, making their lives pits of shit, because without integrity, honesty and virtue that is what a human life is, a pit of shit.

Once you have elicited complete, categorical and absolute hate from the person concerned owing to your stubbornness, you can be sure you have annoyed him/her enough and that should be the point of satisfaction. Although, if you still don't feel satisfied, either embrace integrity, honesty and virtue or keep asking yourself why you are still not satisfied until you actually embrace integrity, honesty and virtue.

Now that you have lost one friend, you can move on to make others solely for the purpose of annoying and losing them, thus assimilating integrity, honesty and virtue in the process.

Statutory Warning: Reading this post might be injurious to your mental health.

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