Alright! I admit I'm addicted; irreparably addicted. It's actually hopelessly too, but saying that, I guess, would be plagiarism and plagiarism is a tool I seldom use (and that too happens only in practical reports which I no more have to make! Yahu!!) . I'm addicted to alcohol and I've never touched a bottle. And liquor isn't sold in tetra-packs. A coffeetotaler(new version of teetotaler) says this ironical statement. There are truths in truths contained like an onion. The greatest being, of things a many, I feel like a minion. (The baniya at the baniya shop wears dhoti banyan.)

Let me now shed (jhaad as they say in hindi) some philosophy. Animals, they say, are unconscious, below the mundane. There does exist a higher level of consciousness which is much above all unneeded affairs. The unconscious are happy, the fully conscious are in bliss. Man, the one in the middle has all the problems to himself. Hence in an attempt to go beneath their level, humans consume alcohol. I think it stupid.

But how so ever stupid I may think it, I remain a first-degree hypocrite. (May I have a big hand of applause please (for dinner obviously)). Indulging in people is again alcohol. People are alcohol and like alcohol they make you forget your worries, weaknesses and wails. Eating, drinking, laughing, sleeping - the fool has so much to do, so much to indulge himself, so much enjoy and enjoy for ignorance is bliss. That (gobi ka) fool am I. (Applaud! Why do I have to remind you? ).

And I'm so hooked to people and people's talks, I can't rest myself. My prediction is that if I continue on the same path, I shall be led nowhere except nowhere. Bereft of contentment, devoid of joy, senescing, once in peace and tence ruffled, I see myself some years down the line, in the exact state as I am now, taking one step ahead and another back, tiring, exhausting, breaking and reaching right here, nowhere. (Hey no applaud now please, that was mighty serious).

I desire myself, my old self, rather pine for my old self instead of pining for other people and languishing myself. I want to be what I was at a time of yore. I was and I have descended ever since. I want to rise, whatever be the price, potatoes or rice, I want to win the prize. (How stupid that was). I'm a complete forgiver, five giver rather, when it comes to myself. I have forgiven myself for everything and practiced categorical forbearance towards my evil intentions. I pray to get a better self. What else can I do?

Addicted I am. I knew it long time back, so I thought of healing the bloody thing if you'd agree on calling it a disease in the first bloody place. Talking of addictions and stupors, there are many types of them, you know. Opium stupor, did you know, wears off when one takes a cold water bath. So I sat in front of the PC and asked if I wanted to Gtalk. My mind said 'I do', in the same fashion as they say in the Hollywood movie weddings. Have you noticed one thing, by the way, that whenever the bride or the groom answer the priest by saying 'I Do' they don't even bloody look at him. They're so engrossed in themselves, those impatient freaks, they can't pay a handful of respect to the vicar. How do I care ? So I wanted to Gtalk. I went straight to the bathroom, swwwoooosh and steeped myself wet with a shower of chilly cold water! My 38"(last time I measured) chest heaved out of the coldness of the contact and I thought to myself, 'Yes! I've outstripped myself'. But later I realized I'd only stripped myself for the bath and nothing more. I came back (with clothes) and still wanted to Gtalk. Damn everything. This addiction is worse than opium.

Then you have the hangovers and the withdrawal symptoms, and they're horrible. Let me not relate them to you now. What remains the pith, is I don't want any kith, and that people are a myth. (And with addictions, life is shith). Let me now resolve, to rise above all this or at least to want to rise above in the first place. I have decided to be detached, impassionate, unaffected. Oh yeah baby! Bring it on! I'm ready for you, I'm like daddy for you, mark my tone, too heady for you!

Enough being said I shall consider it best to leave the kind reader at this point to wander in his/her imaginations about what state I be in now and later return to his/her work diligently. And even if you don't, how do I care.

Your urges that have unfortunately (for you) caused you to peruse this harmless-looking piece of text shall be the cause of more harm than you would have thought an innocent and harmless-looking piece of text could have in the first place. This elongated paragraph was written partly out of an urge to write and more partly to warn you that the writer or the written takes no responsibility of the consequences that might / might not happen to happen.

As you might have guessed from the topic you are about to meet a sermon and then you might need a surgeon. Okay just kidding, no surgeons required. Getting on with what is most desirable at this instant, let me start by asserting that you take the first step in the world of irritating people when you actually take your first step. Yes. It has been chemically, psychologically, statistically (and all other allies taken) proven that the ability to irritate and annoy is inherent. Remember how you irritated your parents by excreting at your convenience.. Ah! What comfortable days. Well, a clever mind would argue that we still do that at our convenience but clever minds can go to hell. Rejoice, you can, after hearing that you too are intrinsically able to irritate others but the truth is that most people are wonted to such patterns of irritations and hence to step out of the box, you must think out of the box. If you have asked yourself which box after reading the previous line, you are a natural. But in other cases too, development is possible, so there is less need to worry.

The best way to bother someone is by asking questions. Ask ask ask till you bask. Prepare a series of random questions and learn them by heart. Fire them at every friend you see. These questions must range from 'How are you' to 'Why didn't the subspace field harmonically ultra cogentic engines fail while the Apollo 15 took off'. If the person in any way tries to suggest that no Apollo 15 is in existence yet, be sure to ask Why, and keep in store a corresponding Why for every answer the patient of a man/woman has for you. With constant practice you shall be avoided. But there is no time for repose, this is just the beginning.

There are a couple of other methods to chafe people and the best one is to attack the ego. Wait, didn't I say the best was to ask questions? Oh whatever, just read don't ask questions. Attack the ego, I say. Sermonize as much as you can. Tell them always that the best path to take in life is a path of integrity, honesty and virtue. Make sure you yourself are atleast a hundred miles away from that path. Great. Ask people that did they embrace the path of integrity, honesty and virtue or are they still ignoble in their outlook every time you meet them. Make sure this is asked in public. You shall again be avoided.

Once you are avoided, beg for forgiveness. This, I know it is tough, but it is worth it. Beg for forgiveness promising you have changed and act normal for a few days. After these days of silence, start boasting of your integrity, honesty and virtue. Start talking about how embracing the path of integrity, honesty and virtue is the most difficult thing to do. Moreover, keep repeating integrity, honesty and virtue in every aspect and conversation. Kindle an aversion for integrity, honesty and virtue in the other one's heart by repeating about integrity, honesty and virtue atleast a million times a day. When the person cannot listen about integrity, honesty and virtue, chide him/her for talking such about integrity, honesty and virtue. For integrity, honesty and virtue are the basis of integrity, honesty and virtue and without integrity, honesty and virtue what good is a person. It is only integrity, honesty and virtue that differentiate us from the beast, integrity, honesty and virtue that term us human and only integrity, honesty and virtue that are responsible for adding Kind to Man, hence making integrity, honesty and virtue a necessity for ManKind as a hole.

Your friend now has two options. Either to run away from you or to actually imbibe integrity, honesty and virtue. Most sane individuals would choose the former and shun integrity, honesty and virtue, making their lives pits of shit, because without integrity, honesty and virtue that is what a human life is, a pit of shit.

Once you have elicited complete, categorical and absolute hate from the person concerned owing to your stubbornness, you can be sure you have annoyed him/her enough and that should be the point of satisfaction. Although, if you still don't feel satisfied, either embrace integrity, honesty and virtue or keep asking yourself why you are still not satisfied until you actually embrace integrity, honesty and virtue.

Now that you have lost one friend, you can move on to make others solely for the purpose of annoying and losing them, thus assimilating integrity, honesty and virtue in the process.

Statutory Warning: Reading this post might be injurious to your mental health.